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Thursday, 16 May 2013

I Cannot Love My Child

Note: Please do NOT copy and paste this story somewhere else on the web without my permission. Feedback and comments are welcome!


My father was a manic-depressive.

When my fiance and I decided to tie the knot, my family and my fiance's family got together for the first time to have a meal.

My father was trying very hard to be entertaining. When my father had me he was already 50 years old, and during the war time he was a college student. He said he managed to evade the draft because he was yet to reach the minimum draft age, but those were very hard times and they barely had enough to eat.

My father was probably becoming too excited as he spoke about those hard times and at one point he cracked up saying, "Once I was so hungry that I caught a cat in a trap and ate it."  Until then I had never heard such a story from him, and also it was such an inappropriate subject to mention at the occasion that I was shocked and afraid what my fiance's parents' reaction would be.
Meanwhile my father, realising what he had just said, suddenly fell silent. His hands were shaking violently as he uttered, "P...please, take care of my daughter, please." And with that he got up and left the room.

After that both my mother and I had to spend many long mintues apologizing to the other family. "What a funny thing he's just said..... I hope you don't mind!"

My father didn''t come back for a long time.
I began to worry about him and asked my fiance to come with me to look for him.

My father meanwhile had hanged himself by his tie.

Under normal circumstances we wouldn't have got married but by then I was already pregnant so we decided to just register our marriage, omitting the ceremony.
A year later I gave birth to a son but he looks so much like my father that I cannot bring myself to love him.

45 comments:

Danee said...

heyy saya ! i was waiting for your updated ^^ yeayy

as for the post , its kinda sad for the child .. i wonder if this have another meaning..

SAYA said...

@Danee: it is a sad story, isn't it? Actually, it's quite horrendous.

I don't know if there's another meaning in it or not....hmmm

Thank you for your comment! :)

HN3 said...

Lady.....that was sad....

Jessa Mae Losa said...

the child looked like her father...

is it in the genes or...

the father made her daughter pregnant? (• ε •)

LOL.

anyways, that story was kinda creepy.

looking forward for more~! (〃^∇^)ノ

SAYA said...

@HN3: don't cry!

@Jessa: I too find the story creepy because people don't normally go off and kill themselves like that. I think it's all to do with his illness...



Thank you guys for your comment!



Jessa Mae Losa said...

and his death was so sudden (╥﹏╥)

if i was the mother of the child, i would still love my child because it's not the child's fault that he looks like that~ >.<

BlueRio said...

why did she hate her son when her son looked alike her father..
it's weird btw thanks for updating saya!!
^^

Niki said...

Awh sad story. But perhaps her father was reincarnated as her baby? Could be. Loved the story though Saya! Thank you for updating :D

SAYA said...

@BlueRio: I think it's because the father ruined her marriage life (and her life in general) by commiting suicide in such a way.

@Niki: That's a scary thought!

Thank you guys for your comment! ;)

Wira_Scinfaxi said...

Saya! Finally! :D
I'm a big fan of your stories! :D
I'm soooo happy! Thank you very much Saya! XD

SAYA said...

@Wira: Hi! It's great to know that you like these stories!! Thank you for dropping in to comment! :D

Zanyuki said...

I read somewhere that the traits of parents often skip a generation, transmitting some of their traits that weren't expressed in their direct offspring to their grandchildren.

Also, creepy if you're into the sins of the father thing: "I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me." If you take it with this interpretation the narrator's father might have done a very dark thing. :O

SAYA said...

@Zanyuki: Oh that's an interesting information, Zanyuki. Actually that reminds me of my own brother, who has personality traits more similar to our grandfather than our father!

Aww.. I hope the father hasn't done anything bad. It would be bad if children got punished for the sins of their fathers!

HN3 said...

i....i'm....triying......damn T-T

Diogo Valverde said...

If she cannot bring herself to love her own son, and indeed feels even distraught by the sight of him, then the possibility that she might commit infanticide comes to mind. That would make the story all the more disturbing, especially since what happens next is entirely left to the reader's imagination. Sometimes, it's what's left unsaid that has a greater impact.

On another, unrelated note, do you know when you're going back to Japan? I'll see what I can do so we can meet up. I wonder if my shining armor will cause me to pay excess baggage fees! Oh well, that's a small price to pay to be an awe-inspiring knight in shining armor.

Anonymous said...

Manic Depressive patients are always on the brink of suicide Saya. A slight issue, which might not be huge for others can actually push such a patient off the brink. Since i have a little knowledge on this field, i would say the father's reaction was not creepy at all. And speaking from the psychological POV i think the mom is more scared of the disease seeping into the child with time. It can flow in your genes. And probably the mother too had it, maybe just a little, which can actually explain her not being able to love her son
I find the story less creepy and more sad

-Rupsha

SAYA said...

@HN3: Oh dear, oh dear *grabs a box of tissue and gives to you*
Don't cry, I'll buy you a candy later!

@Diogo: Infanticide! My, my, what a scary thought! But by the sound of it, it is a possibility... Yes, certainly, it's what's left unsaid which doubles the fear!

I'm gonna be back in Japan in summer! I've booked a flight on 29 June but I think that's too early so I'll change it to 8 July or something. Then I'll be there until the end of September. That'd be great if you can come, although the weather's gonna be very hot in Japan!

@Rupsha: Yes, that's right. Although I don't know much about the illness, I too get the impression that the slightest thing can trigger extreme reaction in a manic-depressive patient. Still, I find it creepy.

Yes, the daughter too may be suffering from the same illness and the child might get it in the future...awww, it's all messed up!

BlueRio said...

saya can i share some of your stories at my facebook??
i want to share your stories with my friends...

Diogo Valverde said...

My forensic pathology professor, who is an experienced psychiatrist but also worked as an obstetrician in his youth, explained that women usually feel profound love for their child after childbirth, because that's just hard-coded into us. We, as animals, feel the instinctive need to love and protect our offspring. When that doesn't happen, for whatever reason, then there's definitely a problem, which is precisely what may culminate in babies being abandoned or even killed. That's why the words "I cannot bring myself to love him" sound so ominous to me.

So, you'll be there July through September? I'm afraid I'm not gonna be able to make it this time. I've got to attend graduation and be sworn in as an attorney in August, so I'm going to be relatively busy around that time. I was thinking of visiting Japan sometime next year. By the way, who are you warning about the weather? ;) Brazil isn't exactly one of the coldest countries! XD

SAYA said...

@BlueRio: My friend, thank you very much for being considerate to ask me for permission first.
And I'm also glad you like these stories so much that you want to share them with others.

However, I regret to tell you that I cannot grant your request. If you want to share the stories with your friends, please put just the link to each story on your facebook. Please do not put my strories there.

Thank you very much for your understanding.

Tia said...

My dearest Saya! :D Before i go see the other stories i must say it is so nice to have you back again! I am so happy your blog is once again open to us all! I just wanted to say hi after such a long time before i delve into the newest posts to get my horror fix! ;) Additionally, nice work in your other blog! it looks simple yet lovely!

PS: I am so sorry we harassed your last post over there in order to reach you! After a while all of us honestly started to think something gruesome had come your way... Such a relief to know you are alright!

SAYA said...

@Diogo:Wow, forensic pathology! Sounds so interesting! That is the kind of subject which I only have contact with through TV. haha When I meet you I wish you can tell me something about what you learn at college.

As a woman myself, I do understand a little of how strong a mother's feeling for a child can be. Although I do not have a child, everytime I see one, I'm filled with love and am always praying for their happiness. I cannot imagine anyone wanting to harm those precious ones. But some people have very difficult lives, and for them, it seems very hard to love others... Sometimes I think I can love and be kind to someone, not because I am virtuous, but because I've been fortunate in my life.

You learn to love through the love given by others, or maybe more precisely, you learn to bring the innate love inside you out into the open through the love given by others. But some people experiece less love than others, and even if they turn out to be cruel, it is not their fault that they have become what they are. That's the saddest thing about life. It's like difference between the rich and the poor; those who have will have more, those who have not, will continue to have less than they deserve.

In this story, the lady is sad, becuase she wants so desperately to love, but cannot. The amount of pain she feels is unimaginable to me..

Anyway, about the summer: how unfortunate that you cannot come to Japan! But someday we'll meet. It's exciting to know that you'll be graduating this summer, and not only that, you're going to be sworn in as an attorney too! That's a wonderful news! I wish you every luck with all that's going to happen from now on. I'm very happy for you.

That's right, I suspect Brazil is much warmer than it is in Japan! haha. But I've never been good with heat. Is it warm where you live now? I also would love to visit Brazil oneday!

SAYA said...

@Tia: Hi, wow, it's Tia! I was actually wondering about you today. I saw your old comment on another story, and wondered if you'd ever come to my blog again! So it's a very good news for me too that you're stil around!

Yes I'm trying to do something interesting with my other blog too! You guys'comments on there...I'm sorry I still haven't read them, because it's kinda painful for me to recall how I suddenly went away without telling you, and how I got you all worried about me... but I'll read them all when I'm feeling ok! :) hehe

Anyway I'm delighted to have you among us again. Thank you for your message!! :D

HN3 said...

......ok just because i like candy *tooks a tisue and blows his nose*

SAYA said...

@HN3: glad you stopped crying! :D haha you're cute.

BlueRio said...

okay thank you saya..
^^

(n˘v˘•)¬ お呪い! said...

Hello Saya !
Noroi here よろしく ! ... i was wandering around and then i found this blog ... (´・ω・`)*

YUP! i do enjoy spending some time reading one after another entry from you .. looking forward for more from you ...

And yes , i`ll be obedient audience so please take care of me
(。◕‿‿◕。)

Kimberly-Anne said...

this is just like the movie the eye 2....well the way i think of it. after a person dies, they wait beside a person until their water breaks and then enter their womb. maybe that's what happened to her :/

Diogo Valverde said...

You provide me with the thought-provoking commentary that I can't get in many heated legal debates! If my peers in the legal profession were as sensible, debating would certainly be a great deal more pleasurable. Unfortunately, the old men that should be wise insist on carrying themselves like children in a schoolyard fight; the young men that should be the personification of hope transmogrify themselves into the embodiment of an insatiable thirst for power. It's a troublesome state of affairs, and that is precisely why people like you and me shouldn't be afraid to stand up to others and show that we do have something to offer to the world. We've got good qualities, that most would appreciate. Halfwits should not be allowed to run the show. ;)

I'm not just rambling here, as what I just said will fit perfectly into what's coming next. Do you know the difference between the rich and the poor? Money. It's the only thing setting these demographics apart. Yes, the gap between the rich and the poor invariably creates a distinction in many aspects, like is the case with culture. You don't often see poor people listening to classical music and playing golf. Moreover, it's absolutely unquestionable and it goes without saying that both groups of people can afford different categories of goods and services.

However, the destitute do not have to be any different from the well-to-do as far as morals are concerned. And there is enough evidence, anecdotal and otherwise, that shows there is no correlation between social and moral values and income. For instance, there are dysfunctional familes across all income brackets! It's often the case that you just don't notice it when a rich family is dysfunctional, because everything is kept under wraps. Wealthy families have a reputation to maintain in their social circles, after all. On the other hand, there are many wealthy families that are perfectly fine, but it is no less true that there are many poor families which are rock solid.

In light of that, it can be said that love may flourish anywhere, in any circumstances, however harsh, otherwise there wouldn't be any poor families where love abounds. Thus, it's about how you treat others in spite of your condition, and this holds especially true in the case of families. An adult or someone in their late teens may be beyond the point where he or she can undergo deep changes without having an epiphany of some sort. However, children learn and respond quickly, and parents are directly responsible for the behavior of their children. If parents teach their kids about virtues such as love and respect, chances are that they will grow up to be decent human beings, and you cannot ask for more.

You say that you can love and be kind to someone, but not because you're virtuous. I respectfully disagree. Love and kindness are extremely important social values, and thus, to be able to love and to be able to show kindness is a virtue in of itself.

I'd also go as far as to say that even if someone was never shown much love throughout his or her life, he or she can break the chain by recognizing that love is a virtue, and making an effort to show it. Virtues, according to Aristotle, are a habit or a state of character, after all, and as such, they're accessible to all who recognize their worth. ;) Like I said, even the worst people can change if they have an epiphany!

I just wrote a whole book right here, didn't I? Well, what can I say, I appreciate intelligent discussion! XD

Lastly, of course, talking to you about what I've learned is something I'd be quite interested in doing. By then, I'll already be a lawyer, so I'll tell you about my job as well! Hahaha And feel free to come visit someday. I'll return the favor and show you around, too.

Prisilia Felicia said...

I thought it shouldn't be a big deal, every inhuman thing can happen during war time....(even in present time like this too:/) I pity the son, though...wonder what will hapen next. I will imagine the end with some kind of accident the mother will experience and the son will help her sincerely and eventually the mom will gradually love him hahaha
By the way I read the comments above, in Japan will the weather in June is as hot as when it's August? I think my family is planning to visit Japan! I googled everywhere but cannot find the answer :s

SAYA said...

@BlueRio: I'm sorry to have disappointed you, dear (T_T)
And you're such a great person. Most people, when I refused their request, never contacted me again lol. Thank you very much!

@Noroi: Wow!! I know you, dear, I remember you. Welcome back to my blog! But no, dear, you don't need to be obedient. haha I'm not a scary person. Anyway thank you for coming here to drop a message!

@Kimberly: I didn't know the film eye 2 so I had to look it up in Wiki. But yeah, that's scary!! Pregnant people shouldn't watch that film, it would make them feel unstable! Thank you for your interesting thought, dear!

SAYA said...

@Diogo: Thank you for your interesting comment, Diogo! It's true what you say about debates... Some people regard debate as a battleground, and all they think about is how to defeat the opponent... It's a lot to do with our sense of insecurity, I guess.

But of course the reason we debate is so that we may reach aufheben... we hope, by debating, and by putting forward different arguments and examining them togetehr, we can get a higher understanding of the subject at hand. Debate lets us see something we weren't able to see before, and lets us create a better solution to a problem. But sadly, many people don't see it that way. I too have been guilty of behaving erroneaously in debates in the past. In order for a debate to become productive, we need to cultivate our ability to REALLY listen to what the other person has to say; we can then use what we heard to deepen our own thoughts. The best kind of debate is where each party contributes to the growth of another.

About money: yes, it's true money can creat a lot of opportunities which wound't have been possible without it. But as you say money alone cannot guarantee that people who have it grow spiritually, more than those who haven't.

And yes, certainly as you say educating children properly is important, because the older we are, the harder it may be for us to undergo dramatic changes in our psyche. It is nevertheless well to remember what Meister Eckhart said about being young: we are called young when we are spiritually young. When Jesus said children are closer to heaven, he was perhaps urging us to rejuvenate ourselves spiritually... So if we can still retain, or recall the flexibility we had as a child, there may still be a chance for us to be saved...

That's true that while love is born naturally,it needs to be cultivated to reach its maturity. So in that sense, virtues are a habit... you need conscious effort to cultivate them.

Diogo, you also helped me to think more deeply about these things. Thank you very much! I enjoy talking to you! :D

SAYA said...

@Prisilia: it's true, my dear, the talk about killing a cat sounds gruesome, it shouldn't have caused the death of a person! I think the talk might have caused more offense to them than necessary, because you know how Japanese people are always concerned about acting properly, and so on (being only half-Japanese, I'm not like that at all). So it's interesting to study this story from the cultural view point.

I hope too that the mother eventually will grow to love the son! :)

Sometimes, it can get quite hot in June in Japan. In June, most part of Japan enters into the rainy season, and when the rainy season is over the weather gets hot. I think perhaps it's better to check the weather on the internet first before going on a trip, dear. Check "The Japan Times" online. They should have the weather forecast. :)

。♡ Jasmine Elise ♡。 said...

What a sad story (。╥,╥。) The father must have felt extremely terrible for saying a strange thing and remembering such hard times.
It is also very sad that the mother cannot love her child, in future that will surely bring unhappiness for both child and mother.

but I do wonder what her fiancee and the other family thought of all this. It would be very hard for them too, I'd supose!

It's good to see you updating regularly Saya (。^‿ ^。) Well done!

(n˘v˘•)¬ お呪い! said...

Wh~whoa , i haven`t been here saya .... this is my first visit ... Q__Q ma~maybe there's a person who's using the same name with me ... and yeah , thanks for your warm welcome :///)

Diogo Valverde said...

I enjoy talking to you too, it allows me to learn words like aufheben. XD On a more serious note, I can definitely say the same in regard to thinking about these things, because both listening to you and responding to everything you said really helped to solidify and further substantiate my opinions. By listening to your perspective and offering you mine, I walked out a lot more enlightened than when I came in.

Kurisu Kuiaran said...

First of all, thanks Saya for posting this nice story~

This story made me remember the Jap. movie called "REINCARNATION". You posted the movie's trailers here before.

I kinda understand the mother somehow. If I was in her place, I wouldn't help but think that the child (the woman's son) is a reincarnation of the dad (woman's dad). Since the woman's dad died with a suicide, you will think like maybe the dad suicide on purpose so that he can be reincarnated as her daughter's son. It's really creepy if it's a reincarnation because you wouldn't know what the child would do as a possible reincarnation of her dad.

Sorry for the long comment. I really like this one. :D

Kurisu Kuiaran said...


Ah, I forgot to mention something.

A continuation of my comment, "If I was her" , I'll be slightly scared but I will love the child and try to understand him. :)

SAYA said...

@Jasmine: oh! I love your crying emoticon there, so cute! (*^^*)

Very likely the incident made a bad impression on the other family! I hope they would all come to terms with it, but it's easier said than done!

Thank you for your kind support! ;)

@お呪い!: I beg your pardon, dear. I had someone by the name of Noroi before, and I thought you were her. In any case, I'm happy to have you here among us! Thanks for your comment!

@Diogo: I know! Doesn't using a posh word like aufheben make me sound intelligent? XD hahaha

I used not to like using English, however I'm now grateful that I'm able to use it, because I can speak to great people like you whom I would not have spoken to if I only knew Japanese!

So I'm grateful to you, and grateful to the fate which allowed me to study the language. :)

@Kurisu: The pleasure is mine, dear. I'm happy you like the story.

And I'm imporessed how you and other readers are able to read deeply into the story. It's always fun to know from what perspectives you're viewing these stories!

Your child would be a happy child, Kurisu, to have such a loving parent like you. :D

(n˘v˘•)¬ お呪い! said...

Don`t mind about it ... i`m having a good time here ...

And i can`t wait for more updates from you .. :)

Prisilia Felicia said...

Oh, you're right, it has something to do about culture aside than the illness the father has. I've read things about seppuku and sometimes it can be really scary how dedicated they are to the duty given/perception of others>___>
And thank you so much for the tips!! I never thought of checking the daily weather forecast :D

Tani M said...

That is a really eerie story. I think perhaps the lady was already upset with her father for a very long time, and his committing suicide just before her wedding simply tipped the scales for her. She hated her father, who is no longer there, and when her child was born looking so much like him, that feeling was passed down to him. Perhaps not hate anymore, but dislike.
I don't think the child is in any danger from the mother. As you said, she seems to feel very sad about not being able to love him. She may even overcompensate by spoiling him to make up for the love she cannot give. But she will always feel guilty and her child will also probably realize that his mother does not love him... T__T

Nanami Lee said...

Ahh so the father hanged himself, that's really heart-breaking to hear. :c Personally I think the daughter was upset he did such a thing, and when she sees her child it reminds her of the pain of losing her dad from suicide. :c Poor woman and poor kid, I lost a friend from suicide in February, so I can relate to how devastating it might have been for this woman. It's such a sad story. :c

Saya Yomino said...

@Nanami Lee: I'm sorry about your friend, my dear. I hope your friend rests in peace, and that you recover from the loss.

Nanami Lee said...

Ahh it's okay, and I'm sure she's fine. ^^ Thanks for the comfort, it's been four months but I finally accepted it and moved on. Thank you Saya! <3 *hugs* :3